• Carmen Milligan

Welcome to June!

Updated: Jun 9

My goodness, but time does fly!


June marks the beginning of my least favorite season: summer. And I am in a definite minority here. People LOVE summer. "Pish-tosh!", I say.


First, there is the oppressive heat. Hot, muggy, sticky heat that zaps your strength and fairly pushes down on you. Pushes down and then wrings you out like a dishrag. Except it's not water that is dripping from you. It's sweat. From everywhere. Underarms, chest, back, neck, head, upper lip, between your butt cheeks, hands, feet ... it's practically coming from every pore on the body. And, thanks to bacteria, it stinks. I don't care who you are, how much deodorant, antiperspirant, or how many times you rub that natural crystal on your sweaty parts, you are going to stink.


But sweating is healthy, and you really shouldn't try to stop it. It's the body's way of cooling down. But I loathe to sweat. I have always been a "sweater". Always. Big circles under my arms. Embarrassing, to say the least. I'll never forget a Sunday at church when I was a senior in high school, I was standing outside in a very preppy outfit of a pink oxford cloth button-down and a Kelly green skirt. So cute. Just then, a little brat named Stephanie passed me with her mom and said, "Look at the sweat rings on Carmen! Oh, my goodness! I've never seen sweat like that before. Have you mom? Just look at it!?" Her mom finally told her to shut it up. But, forty some odd years later, and I still remember that little imp's name.


Another reason to hate summer? Bugs. Lord! The bugs. So many. Flying, crawling, jumping, inching, buzzing, biting, sucking, stinging. I hate them all. And don't come at me with your, "But what about honeybees? Don't you love honey?" Shut up. Just shut right on up. When I have been outside for a while, I am completely itchy when I come back in, and feel as if I need to shower to get all of the no-see-ums off of me.

The other thing I hate about summer is the broken promise of the whole thing. Have you ever seen a picture of a beautiful alfresco table? It's so lovely, so inviting, such a treat for the senses! You know what I see when I look at this picture? Bugs. Lots and lots of bugs. Not only flying, crawling, jumping bugs, but also things falling off of and out of the trees that you are sitting under. In your hair, on your food, and just all over everything.


Then, your arm itches, and you look to see what's causing it. There doesn't seem to be anything there, but you look more closely, and you see a teeny-tiny greenish-yellowish dot, slowing moving on your arm.


That's it! I'm going inside! My entire experience is ruined. And, if you are honest with yourself, yours is, too. It's a great idea, but never plays out like it is supposed to.


The one respite in summer is the in-ground pool. But that's a helluvalotta work. It's expensive to install, pricey to maintain, and believe it or not, adds NO value to your home. Sure, I have friends with pools, but I hate to unabashedly use them during the summer months for their cool-water-refreshing-plunge-treat. And there's also the beach, and the Gulf of Mexico has some of the most beautiful beaches in North America. But there's undertow, which will KILL YOU. There are jelly fish, which will STING YOU. There are all kinds of other sea life swimming, floating, and generally sashaying all around your body as you try not to get swept away at sea. And remember that sunscreen because, you know, CANCER.


So, in my lovely and temperate manse I will reside during these months from the gates of hell. I will work hard to not wilt like the flowers planted during the fall and spring; dropping their blooms during July and August, only to reappear during the blessed cooler days of September, when the oppressive winds of Sheol begin to recede. And, like those roses, I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills from when cometh my help, and see the rolling landscape of the changing colors of the leaves. Nature is relieved to have survived another summer, and I, with it.


Summer? No, thank you.

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